When did I stop competing?

Somewhere in amongst all the meditation, yoga and woo woo learning I have undertaken for the past 8 months, there has been a massive shift, one that I was not even aware was taking place.

You see for the biggest part of my life, I have been ultra competitive at everything I have ever put my hand to, especially exercise. In the gym I would hop on the tready, look around and dial higher, even just a notch more than any of the girls in my line of vision. If I was running, I would always pick that one girl in front of me, the hot one with the quick gate, and she would be my pace setter.

I got great personal satisfaction and personally appointed brownie points for being just a little bit “better” than the next person.

Weights would up, legs would lift higher, stretches would be deeper.

Constantly gauging my own “performance” against those of anyone who happened to be around me, wherever the location.

And yes, I always picked the top notch places to try and train, so the competition was tough.

Funny thing to note here, is I never really got into competitive sports, it seemed that playing the solo competitor against an (for the most part) unknowing opponent always seemed more attractive?

So here I am walking at sunset last week, with iPod on…. standard.

Only the normal 80bpm techno beats that used to drive me on, have been unconsciously replaced by inspirational spiritually supportive woman talk.

And I notice that my usual pace setters are zooming past me, and I have absolutely no inclination to beat them anymore.

I am no longer looking around at what “she” is wearing either.

As I look down to change the podcast on my iPhone I realize the T-shirt I put on (the one I normally wear to bed, not the active labelled kind of years past) is frayed and looking worse for wear.

However

I do not care.

What is this change?

Where is Paula and when is she coming back?

It is right at that moment, as the sun is beaming on my smiling, uncooly sunscreened face, that I look around and realise.

I have (finally) grown into the confident, empowered, WOMAN I have been pretending to be since turning 18.

Only took 18 years to catch up 🙂

And it feels bloody brilliant.

Thank you

A big shout out must go to the ladies at Zenko Yoga. Practising with them has definitely helped to make this shift in my life, for the better