This email to me is my total why. This was one of the most emotional shoots I have photographed this year.

No tears necessary, I just felt so deeply for Ash’s journey (yes I hate that word too) to say yes to this experience.

And she has Kindly let me share her words, for anyone who may be suffering anxiety around putting their hand up for themselves.

Cause I know what can happen on the other side of that fear/anxiety/lack of self belief…

Hi Paula & Your Awesome Team,

When we came to view the photos the other day I was a bit overwhelmed seeing my face on a big screen and got a little upset and couldn’t say much while I was there so I thought I would email you now that I’ve had a few days to process everything.

I just wanted to email to say thank you for the photos of my Mum and I (I never in a million years thought I would thank someone for taking a photo of me).

I have always loathed being in photos, when I would see them I would see every flaw, insecurity and fault I was told I had all the way through school and growing up.  I would see everything that was ‘wrong’ with me and I had come to terms with that and made a decision to just avoid photos no matter what.

So when I was given a photo shoot as a birthday gift I was filled with a mix of extreme emotions, but mostly just dread and a little anger at the person who had gifted it to me as it felt like they didn’t know me at all (giving someone terrified of photos a photo shoot did not make sense to me, it almost seemed cruel). I have spent my life trying to be invisible and putting myself down, because if I tell myself all of those negative things it wouldn’t hurt so much if someone else said them to me again.

But, I am so glad I forced myself to use the gift and go through with it. It also gave me the opportunity to drag my mum along and get some photos with her. I have always thought my mum was gorgeous and now hopefully after the photo shoot, she can see it too.

The next challenge for me was getting up the courage to post them on Facebook. Not that it should matter, but I was terrified of what people would think when they saw me posting my own face all over the place. I was bracing myself for the eye rolls and the side ways glances as people assume you put yourself down as a way of fishing for compliments, because they just don’t really know the whole story. But everyone who has seen them has been so incredibly lovely and kind and said such nice things to me. Which makes me think I don’t need to be quite so terrified of the camera in future or rather, I don’t need to take to heart what people say if its negative.

I know you capture so many people and everyone has their reasons for being hard on themselves and everyone has their story, but I just wanted to let you know what it meant to me and what a big accomplishment it was for me to stand in front of camera. So thank you for capturing some photos of me and my Mum that I can now keep forever and for letting me feel gorgeous for the day.

Thank you,

Ash xx

Portrait Photography © Paula Brennan Photographer

Portrait Photography © Paula Brennan Photographer

Portrait Photography © Paula Brennan Photographer

Portrait Photography © Paula Brennan Photographer