After a whirlwind couple of weeks, full of change, excitement and a weird kind of synergy in my little patch of the universe it all culminated into what can only be described as an epiphany last night. There I am, cooking dinner (well, er, heating baked beans & corn cobs & placing oven baked fish into the oven… most of the food groups accounted for, right?) and I found myself reflecting on all the wonderful things that have occurred recently, and all I could hear going through my mind… U2’s “Still haven’t found what I’m looking for”. Odd right. But no… The more it ran around my head the more it dawned, it was like the antithesis of the exact feeling I had running through my entire being. It’s as if the song was playing almost as a finale for a chapter in my life, a final encore for the longest bad relationship I have had… with myself.

Having always really struggled with a feeling that I don’t really quite belong, a longing to be part of “something” but not really understanding what, and (if deep down I am honest) thinking I was meant for something more (but never being able to admit it) it really is like a dolphin torch (you know the ones that are really hardy, waterproof and will get you through some pretty scary times) was switched on in my sub conscious, well er conscious, you know what I mean.

Now I have heard of (well more read about in one self help book after another) others having this kind of experience, but my inner self doubting cynic never really believed deep down (or allowed me to even entertain the thought) that this could, would or should ever happen for me. After all, I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t deserve it, and if by chance I should even catch a glimpse of this ever elusive “true path” then surely I would do something monumentally stupid to screw it up. After all, I was the self appointed Queen self saboteur, master of single handedly destroying all things possibly good in my life, right???

Now this is not to say that I have been a complete mess, far from it. And not to say that I have not enjoyed the 36 great years I have lived in this life. Far… very far from that. I have lived a very full life, full of challenges and successes (best one being little miss 7 who is growing in confidence hourly), but at the very base of it, underneath a lot of smiles and hard work, there has always been a little nagging, a twisting guttural glitch that has made me make some really major moves, face some pretty big changes (when on the surface all may have seemed “fine”) & lie awake conversing with myself at stupid o’clock, more nights than I would really like anyone to know.

Self doubt, imposter syndrome, fear of being found out, fear of not trying, fear of failure after trying, not good enough, don’t deserve, not part of, can’t do, couldn’t possibly, not perfect, not right, next week, in a bit, stuff it tomorrow, never never, ever ever, when I am thinner, when it’s perfect, when I am perfect, just can’t, it’s too hard, I don’t deserve, I don’t deserve, I don’t deserve….. Arggghhhh! This none serving, continual jibing from my subconscious has been the underlying sound track to my inner dialogue as long as I can remember, only I really didn’t even really realize it. I knew it, but I couldn’t control it. I listened, but denied it’s even existence.

Now I know I am not alone in this, and I am not the first to have reached this point in my life, nor will it be the last. But I have realized that I have the ability to kick it out of the park, just by deciding to do so. And I don’t think this is a decision that I have made, but rather than a decision that has finally found me (in a really round about way). I have been searching, been looking, been researching and been educating, and now I feel armed (chch chch boom).

Yesterday, I was blessed to be able to photograph a beautiful, soulful and courageous woman. I do not know if it was that experience, or the culmination of very similar experiences I have had with some remarkable, strong, and amazing women I have had over the past few months, but I know now, for the first time in my life, that I have found my true path. I am walking the road I have always dreamed of, but didn’t think would ever be paved for me. BUT (there is always a butt), I must say, one thing I do know now, it was never going to be simply paved, given or presented to me on a golden platter. For 15 years I have worked hard, learnt my craft, educated, and educated myself again. I have had some really tough personal challenges to overcome & wrestled with those irky inner demons (who I know today are simply caged,and still ready to break out should I give them a key). I now realize that rather than sweeping my failures, successes (how terrible to be known for bragging) and quirky glitches under the carpet in a desperate need for a perception of perfection. I can be real, and share real with real women, and help them to be real, have real and feel UNREAL ☺ How cool is that?

Watch this space, cause this is just the beginning baby!!!